By John Gallacher
All Stargate SG-1 characters are the property of MGM Ltd/ Double Secret Productions/ Gekko Film Corp. Team SG-999 characters are based on real people (you all know who you are…!)
This story is meant to be a homage to all things Stargate and does not supersede any copyright.
Major General George Hammond, commander of the SGC facility at Cheyenne Mountain, sat at his desk with the red phone receiver to his ear, listening to what the President had to say. His expression was of deepest apology.
"Yes, sir…. I understand that…. Yes, I am dealing with it right now…. No, I don’t think it’ll take too long to sort out… I don’t think the press got wind of it… As you say so… Pleasure talking to you, sir…. Hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation… Goodbye."
The receiver came to rest on the phone and then Hammond’s expression changed from apology to absolute disbelief/ astonishment. In front of him were six members of SG-999, the SGC tactical rescue unit. All were lined up and looking rather guilty.
Lt. Col. Nick Procter, Maj. Catherine Stevely, Capt. Alexander McEwan, 2nd Lt. Brian Craig and CWO John Gallacher all shifted uncomfortably. Irn Bru’tak, their Jaffa team member… just stood there impassively.
"Do you want to tell me what the hell happened down in London that I had to be on the phone to the president for an hour to stop you from being hurled into the nearest stockade?" rumbled Hammond.
No one answered simply because no one wanted to squeal on their teammates.
"May I remind you that if you don’t tell me I’ll have you thrown in the brig anyway?" he added.
Well, now it was a brawl over who was going to spill the beans and escape incarceration.
"Just tell me what happened!"
Quiet descended and it was Procter who spoke.
"I believe it’s all in my report. I… believe you have it in front of you there." He said nervously.
The red folder sat opened on the desk with front page showing emblazoned with the words "London Incident Report."
"Yes it is," replied Hammond. " But I still don’t believe what I read. You were only going there for a conference."
"Yes sir. That’s right. I don’t see a problem with that."
"It was what you did when you were there that’s the problem, Colonel. For example the bridge incident."
Craig stepped forward. "Excuse me sir, I was only securing the area from possible Goa’uld incursion."
"By fast-roping from the roof?"
"And placing C4 on the bridges crossing the water feature at the …" Hammond checked his notes. " Radisson Hotel near Heathrow Airport."
"If they were coming from that direction, we could stop them there and then."
"I don’t suppose that you noticed that the water was only a few inches deep at best." Hammond wasn’t in the best of moods and he wasn’t going to hide that.
But Craig wasn’t fazed at all. It was kinda hard to tell behind those mirrored glasses of his. And it wasn’t the first time he freaked out Daniel Jackson with his likeness.
"If nothing else it would be easier to tell if there were any Goa’uld larvae in the water, sir."
Hammond felt like banging his head on the desk for several minutes.
"And the "mess hall" incident?"
Everyone groaned at that one and even came out with "Oh that one" and " I didn’t think that’d been reported".
McEwan plucked up the courage to speak." Well, we walked into this fast food restraunt…!"
"A McDonalds!" added Hammond in his I’m-not-amused tone.
"Er… yes. Anyhow we were having our lunch and in came what we thought were other SG teams and Serpent guards." Well, what would you do in that situation?"
"You fired at them!!" barked Hammond, barely hiding his rage.
"Yes we did, and the first clue that told us that they weren’t really who they were was when they ran out screaming like Nancy girls. "
"And that was the SG teams. As for the Serpent guards, they ran out faster… and louder." said Gallacher, very quickly and quietly, but not quite succeeding.
Hammond was dismayed. He turned to Bru’tak.
"And what were you doing at this time? Blowing holes in the wall with your staff weapon?!"
Bru’tak turned to the general with that calm demeanour of his (God this guy was as cool as a cucumber) and answered.
"I did not. I was in the process of purchasing a Happy Meal."
Hammond was speechless.
"I also succeeded in a much publicised search party." He pulled out a plastic orange and white clown fish out of his pocket and beamed merrily.
"I found Nemo."
Everyone of SG-999 tried looking at other things… like walls, floor in an attempt to distance themselves from the Jaffa.
Hammond shook his head and turned the next page of the file over. If this had been a cartoon, his eyes would have jumped out of his skull and then back in again.
"You were shot by a Goa’uld hand weapon?" He turned to Gallacher who looked for the proverbial hole to jump into.
"Er.. yeah. We thought it was a costume and well… it was actually Apothis and Ammonet and she… fried my brains."
"A costume…?" Hammond said quietly.
"Yeah, " said Craig. "And a good ‘un at that."
"We got photos and everything." Said McEwan.
"So how come you’re standing in front of me if she killed you?" Hammond regretted the question as soon as it came out of his mouth because that meant that he was going to get an answer.
Procter cleared his throat with a gentle cough. "Well he thought that he was goner this time…!"
"But luckily we had a laptop with us and we went on the Net and it turns out that there’s this site that has the blueprints for building a sarcophagus. All the parts you need are from B&Q and Matlan. " said Craig, who was looking for sniper points in the Office and the briefing room beyond.
"Anyway, I woke up in my bath with all these electronic gizmos all around me.", said Gallacher who felt uncomfortable about such an undignified reawakening."
"We got the receipt here if you want." Said Stevely reaching into her pocket.
"No Major, I’ll just take your word for it."
Hammond sighed. "Bru’tak, what’s this mention about "unnecessarily frightening staff at the Air Traffic Control Tower at Heathrow?"
At this point, everybody hummed something akin to "Oh, boy!" and "Uh-oh!"
"I believe that I followed the towers instructions for approach and speed to the letter. I do not understand why they reacted in the manner that they did, General." replied Bru’tak rather confused.
"Maybe it’s the fact that you appeared in London airspace in a Goa’uld death glider. They’re… not used to such craft landing at Runway Two." Hammond was really putting the diplomatic face on and it wasn’t easy to hold.
"Maybe ‘cos there wasn’t any markings on the outside; didn’t know what airline you were." interjected McEwan in a vain effort to lift the mood with humour. It didn’t work.
"Capt. McEwan, everyone is aware that for many years, I was a pilot for Apothis Airways. Why wasn’t Heathrow aware of this?"
Hammond waved his hands in an effort to stop the conversation from going further astray.
Hammond looked at the team in disbelief. It got worse; asking check-in staff if the flight went near P3X-229, scaring a little girl because they thought that she had a naquadah bomb in her teeth, upsetting convention attendees by saying that they weren’t real SG teams or that they hadn’t fought on a real Goa’uld vessel with actual zats. At that Hammond slammed the folder shut with a thud that made everyone jump, including Sgt. Siler who was passing through the briefing room and almost fell down the stairs as a result.
"Give me a reason why I shouldn’t suspend the lot of you." This wasn’t Gentle George talking. This was Maj. General George Hammond talking.
Procter stiffened. "All I can say is that I’m glad that you sent us there."
"Yes sir, and because of that we learned that there may be a mole in the SGC."
"How the hell did you come to that conclusion?" asked Hammond.
"Because, apparently there is a show based on the SGC." said Procter as a matter of fact.
McEwan chipped in at this point. "It’s called Stargate: SG-1."
Hammond was stunned. He always prided himself on security, but if there was a leak…!
"Could this be that fellow Martin Lloyd that threatened to expose the SGC some years back. I thought that he went back to his home world."
"Er.. no sir." It was Gallacher who spoke this time. "This one was created by Jonathan Glassner and Brad Wright. And there was the movie before that."
"Everything we know about the SGC, the Goa’uld, the Stargate program, the lot. It was there." Procter sounded concerned. This was a thorny issue.
"The creepy thing was the cast who was there." Stevely had a chill run down her spine and she couldn’t stop it.
"What about them?" Now Hammond was getting spooked.
"Well, the guy who plays you looks like you and even sounds like you." added Stevely.
"I believe it is a Goa’uld plot to destabilise the SGC from within by replacing key members of this facility. " said Bru’tak with his usual flat monotone that Teal’c thought was a mockery on his own deliverance.
"What…?!" spluttered Hammond.
"We have photographic evidence," said Stevely as she held up a CD-ROM in her hand. "If you’ll let me demonstrate."
Hammond nodded, and the major placed the disc into the computer in the office. After a few seconds, the images appeared. The general was truly gob smacked.
"As you can see, the resemblance is uncanny. We’ve done a background check on the guests. This one’s name is Don. S. Davis; an actor. In fact the common thing is that all the guests are actors on this show."
Hammond watched the screen. "That one looks like…"
"Dr. Frasier, I know. Looks and sounds like her too.
Hammond was mortified. He pointed to the screen. And that’s…!"
There was a knock at the door and in walked a familiar face.
"Major Davis, reporting in, sir. Sorry to interrupt you sir."
Everyone froze. The face in front of them was identical to the face on the screen, save for the goatee beard and red bandana. Even Davis gulped with shock.
"Is… is that ...me? I mean … someone that’s meant to look like… me?" he stammered.
"His name is Colin Cunningham." said Stevely, pointing to the screen with her thumb.
"Oh boy, look!" said Davis, pointing to the screen. Everyone turned at that point and say an elderly gentleman walk onto the stage.
"And that’s not Jacob Carter? If this has gotten to the Tok’ra then this is a serious problem." Hammond’s face of shock turned to determined resolution.
"Colonel, I want you to find out about this leak and shut it down. Anyway you can. Your team has a go!"
Everyone snapped to attention and called out "Yessir!". The team then turned and headed out the door. When they had left, the general slumped back into the chair.
"You know, major, when I was assigned here, I was a month from retiring. An easy way to slip out."
"And now, sir?" asked Davis.
The general smiled. "Now I wish I had taken early retirement. Besides I don’t think that programme will be a problem. After all, who’s going to believe that there’s a Stargate in the middle of a mountain anyway?"