Authors Notes on The Convention Conundrum

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Timeline- This story takes place during Season Seven after Homecoming but before Evolution

All Stargate SG-1 characters are the property of MGM Ltd./ Double Secret Productions/ Gekko Film Corp. Team SG-999 characters are based on real people (you know who you are…!) This story is intended as a homage to all things Stargate and not meant as anything offensive.

I would like to personally thank Catherine Stevely and Nick Procter for giving me the opportunity to write this story. This really was their idea, not mine; I simply fleshed out what I was given. And for suffering the many times I have phoned up when a problem arose such as spelling or trying to remember a name.

Ronnie Beaton for tips and his incredible sense of humour without whom I would never need so much Ventolin.

My brother in law David Wharton who thinks that I am plain nuts and supports me nonetheless.

My sister Lynn Ann who knows that I am plain nuts and who supports me nonetheless.

Thomasina Gibson for her illustrated guides to Stargate SG1, without which I couldn’t do much needed research.

Paul Toner for reminding me about an incident that was alleged to have happened at an earlier Scottish con (The fans looking for a model of a spaceship outside the hotel.)

And finally to Bill Gates for his Windows spellchecker, which has given me endless amounts of entertainment watching it go nuts as it tries to give me alternative spelling on Stargate words.


John Gallacher,


"The Convention Conundrum"



By John Gallacher

Based on an idea by Catherine Stevely and Nick Procter

Deep space hides a wealth of secrets. Secrets that even today astronomers are only just scratching at the surface. How would the ordinary public react if they were told of the wonders out there? How would they react if they were told of the terrors out there? Deep space. Dark secrets

There are those who believe that they are important and there are those who believe that they are more important than they actually are. And there a select few who dare to believe that they are gods.

The latter is true of the Goa’uld. A parasitical race who need the bodies of others to survive and continue their reign of terror. For millennia, they ruled with the arrogant knowledge that all others were beneath them. Any who rose against them were destroyed. That is until now. With the Tok’ra resistance and the forces of the SGC, the Goa’uld System Lords were weakened to the point that many who only imagined freedom, actually tasted it and embraced it for the first time in their lives.

The transport vessel was Goa’uld and the attack craft swarming and firing at it were Tok’ra. For the transport carried a valuable prize. A prize worth capturing alive and intact.

Anubis held onto the arms of his throne as the ship rocked violently as another blast impacted the shields. His pilot looked at the controls with panic. He couldn’t evade the attack craft but also he wouldn’t let his master fall into the hands of the sholva. He had taken a pledge to die before such a thing would happen.

"Fire at the lead vessel!" commanded Anubis. He wore a dark robe that hid all his features. That is if he had any at all as he had no face. Just a black void that sat in darkness within his cowl. His unworldly voice rumbled through the bridge.

The pilot fumbled at a few controls and a turret on the hull pivoted and blasted a hail of energy at the forward craft. Contact was made and the craft exploded in a hail of fire so quickly that the occupants didn’t know what had happened.

But instead of scaring off the others, it only inspired them to attack more vigorously. The transport took another direct hit. A bulkhead on the bridge blew away. The ship was in real trouble. But Anubis wasn’t about to give in without a fight or making his capture more difficult. He thumbed at some controls on the arm of the throne.

"Prepare to enter hyperspace and head for these co-ordinates at once!"

"But, my Lord, the hyperspace engines are badly damaged. We won’t be able to travel far before they catch up with us." The pilot looked at the controls with horror.

But Anubis was unfazed.

"We will not have to travel far, just enough to evade their sensors.

The pilot nodded. His master seemed confident enough. He must have a plan, he thought. Without a moment’s hesitation, he activated the drive. A flare of light and the transport disappeared out of sight and out of range of the attack crafts weapons. One of the pilots called over the com.

"Track that ship and find out where it’s headed."

The alarms at the SGC rang out, causing armed guards to take up their position in the gateroom. Gen. Hammond strode into the operations room overlooking the huge ring in front of him.

The Stargate.

The gate tech in front of him read out the display in front of him.

"Incoming wormhole, sir."

The gate flared out like a sideways splash and then recoiled so that it looked like a swimming pool on its side.

"Close the iris!" barked Hammond. Almost before he finished the sentence the iris closed like a camera shutter. Now for the nerve racking bit; the waiting. For what must have seemed an eternity, a few seconds passed. Then the display in front of the tech changed and new data came up.

"Receiving Tok’ra IOC."

Hammond blinked. The Tok’ra only came if there was something grave to report. They weren’t of the habit of popping in to chat.

"Open the iris, now!"

The shutter opened like an eye and showed the pool behind it. Then a single figure with a small case in one hand strode into the room from within. Immediately afterwards the gate closed down. Hammond recognised the visitor and grabbed the intercom mike.

"All hands stand down."

He then left to greet his guest. The gateroom door opened and in strode a happy yet concerned Hammond.

"Jacob, how are you?"

The elderly gent in front of him smiled happily.

"Not bad, but I didn’t come here for the weather. I’ve got some news. We found Anubis."

Jacob, Hammond and the whole of SG-1 were sitting round the large conference table. O’Neill, Carter, Teal’c and Daniel Jackson looked at their guest with trepidation.

"So, what can we do for you… this time?" said O’Neill in his sarcastic way. He didn’t appreciate the Tok’ra popping in as it was always something they wanted or just to tell them bad news. But for Carter it was an opportunity to say hello to her dad.

"We know where Anubis is and we know that he’s vulnerable." Jacob stared at everyone’s reaction. Most were agape. Daniel raised his eyebrows in a "you’re kidding?" fashion. Teal’c simply appeared to digest this information.

"How..? Where.. is he?" stammered Carter.

"An attack squadron picked him up near Abydos. They pursued him and did some serious damage to his transport. Before he jumped into hyperspace, they got his course. He’s coming here."

Before anyone else could reply, O’Neill jumped in.

"Is he crazy? If he’s got a damaged ship, I would have made sure that this would have been the last place I would come to."

"What makes you think that he’s coming here?" interrupted Teal’c.

"His hyperspace engines were damaged. He probably tried to go past Earth to reach another base. But since his range is now limited, he’ll be coming..!"

"Here!" finished Daniel.

"So how do we track him?" asked Hammond.

Jacob placed the case he’d been carrying onto the briefing table and opened so that everyone could see its contents. Inside were small boxes with a readout display on one side.

"We had these developed in such an eventuality. Since Anubis is only part ascended, he’ll have a very distinct bio-signature. That’s where these babies come in. They pick up on that signature and home in on it."

O’Neill picked up one of the devices and examined it.

"Ah, I’ve seen these things before. They’ve got them on Star Trek."

"So what’s the plan, if you don’t mind me asking?" asked Daniel convinced that he wasn’t going to like the answer. Jacob gave him a straight answer.

"We’re going to capture him!"

Boy, was that a conversation stopper. No one spoke for what seemed an eternity but when the silence was finally broken it was Hammond who spoke.

"O.K, if this is a capture mission, I want the best chance of success. SG 3, 5, 12 and 15 on one squad. SG1, 2, 8 and 10 on the other. Col O’Neill?"


"SG999 will also be your back-up."

Everyone nodded but O’Neill cringed.

"Sir any team but them. They’re mad!!"

"Sorry colonel, but this time I must insist. They’re a tactical rescue unit and they’re good at their job." Hammond usually gave O’Neill a lot of slack in the past but this wasn’t the time for petty differences. His decision was final. O’Neill slumped back in his chair, defeated. Jacob continued.

"According to our calculations, he’s headed for London, so we have to get there before he does."

"But how do we do that? London is eight hours ahead of us. Won’t he get there before us?" asked Carter.

Jacob smiled. "We’ll get there just as he does. You still have that Goa’uld transport ship?"

"Uh… yeah. Cloak still works as well."

Hammond stood up.

"If there’s nothing else, SG1, you have a go. Dismissed."

The flight to London was an uneventful one… officially! Unofficially, it was a living hell for O’Neill; being stuck in the same vehicle as SG Disaster. (His name for 999.) Although the flight was only going to take about an hour, it was still cramped and uncomfortable. Contacts on the other side had arranged transport and their respective assignments given out. Finding Anubis was then up to them. A few of the Tok’ra joined the teams since they arrived later through the Stargate. More space taken up. Carter was using the tracker to see if she could get an early fix on Anubis. Daniel was going through his head on how to stop Anubis from doing any damage if it went all pear shaped. Teal’c was prepping the zats and staff weapon. O’Neill was prepping his P-90 and 9mm; he knew that they were going to be used.

O’Neill nudged up past a sleeping Gallacher whose snoring was trying their best to pop the bolts holding the ship together. Fortunately his snoring hadn’t counted on alien construction techniques.

"Hey, Jacob. How much longer?" he yelled trying to go louder than Gallacher. Jacob grinned.

"You can tell Sleeping Beauty back there that we’ll be entering British airspace in 10 minutes."

"Procter, you guys ready?" yelled O’Neill whilst sinking a boot into Gallacher’s ribs.

"Ready for go!" came the reply.

On arrival, the second team had left in their van to begin the search. O’Neill’s team were still wandering the streets in their van but they seemed to be having some luck.

"Down this street. The signal’s getting stronger." called Carter.

"Where are we? Is that Stanstead, guys?" asked Daniel.

Stevely peered out of the window. "Uh… no. That’s Heathrow Airport."

"C’mon give me a break. Anubis isn’t going to be anywhere near an airport. He wants to keep a low profile, remember?" O’Neill snorted.

But Carter looked up from the scanner. "Be that as it may, the signal is stronger along this street. He may be hiding in one of theses buildings."

Everyone looked out of the vans windows. It didn’t look good. All the buildings were hotels.

"You’re kidding?!" exclaimed O’Neill.

Suddenly the scanner emitted a high pitched beep.

"Stop the van!!" cried Carter. "He’s inside this one!!"

"Uh…interesting." said Daniel

"Indeed." said Teal’c.

"Well…!" said Carter.

"Ah…nuts..!" muttered O’Neill.

The building was the Radisson Edwardian Heathrow Hotel. A white building with over-sized front door canopy. The hotel had a large perimeter. For the first time, O’Neill was glad that SG-999 was there for extra man power. Capturing Anubis wasn’t going to be easy.

"OK, guys, we’ll have to go in but hide the weapons. There are civilians and we don’t want to panic them or give Mr. Hoody a tip off."

Carter was squinting at the scanner’s screen as if something didn’t make sense.

"Sir, I don’t think we’ll have to." She showed him the read-out. He looked at her disbelievingly.

"You have got to be kidding…?"

The team strode into the vast reception area and couldn’t believe what they saw. It wasn’t the size of the hall that amazed them, nor was it the fittings. Rather it was several large banners hanging from the ceiling and walls.

"WormCon X-treme?" asked Daniel.

O’Neill cursed silently under his breath.

"OK, Procter. Take your team and SG-2 and cover the exits. Don’t want our target to slip out through a fire door.

"Team, roo-ool!"

After they had departed a rather burly man approached them.

"Hi, there. You here for the convention?"

Jacob stepped in. "As a matter of fact, yes. Just got in just now. Where do we register?"

"Just upstairs."

Teal’c read the man’s badge.

"So Mr. DeLuise. Are you the organiser?"

The man grinned. "Hell, no. I only produce Wormhole X-treme. Here, call me Peter."

"So.. Peter, you know Marty?"

"Know him?! Hell, he gave me the job in the first place. What a guy!"

"Is he here?" asked Daniel.

"Nah, big story meeting that he had to attend stopped him. He’s got to plan the third season finale."

"Third SEASON??" spluttered O’Neill. That little so and so said that he wasn’t going to continue the show. I am so gonna take that wormhole of his and shove it up his…!

Peter looked at O’Neill hard. The kind of stare that most people would find uncomfortable. O’Neill craned his neck backwards in case Peter tried any funny business.

"Do you know my pal Richard Dean Anderson? You are such the spitting image of him."

"Uh.. no, sorry."

Peter shrugged a "never mind." "Pleasure meeting you guys. Be seeing you around."

He waved a quick goodbye and disappeared into the large crowd in the foyer.

No one batted an eyelid at the fact that they were in combat clothes or carried a large amount of weapons. Simply because that all the attendees were doing the same.

"What sort of show allows their fans to carry weaponry and wear combat clothing?" asked Jacob? "I know the Star Trek lot with their phasers and uniforms, but this…?"

"I dunno." replied O’Neill, "but I think Peter has to cut down on the sugar and caffeine. If I was his boss, I’d fire him."

Jacob took a quick look at his scanner readout and frowned.

"Uh… guys, I think we might have a problem."

"Why?" asked Daniel.

"I cant get an exact fix on Anubis. The scanner says that he’s in the building but he might be jamming the sensors just enough to throw us off the scent a bit."

"Then how are we to find him?" rumbled Teal’c.

"We could always… split up and find him that way." said Daniel in a way that sounded as if he was going to get hit by someone for suggesting it. To be honest, O’Neill had thought about it.

"You know, much as I hate to agree with ya, Danny Boy, that plan does make sense. If anyone has a better plan…?"

No said anything.

"Ok, keep in touch and if we see him, call for back-up. Oh, and SG-999 to put our backs up. Let’s go."

As they parted, Jacob beckoned Teal’c over.

"Why does Jack have a problem with the other SG team?"

Teal’c looked round to make sure the good colonel was indeed out of earshot. "It is a long story, but suffice to say both teams have different ways of doing the same task. Remind me to tell you when we have more time after this mission."

Jacob raised his eyebrows. Boy, this was going to be a good one, he could tell.

Daniel hadn’t gone far when he bumped into a rather small build woman and accidentally sent her crashing to the ground.

"Oh, God, I’m so sorry. Here, let me help you up." he said rather panicked.

The young woman didn’t seem angry or annoyed.

"Thanks" she said, "guess I should have been looking where I was going."

Daniel lifted her back to her feet and smiled sweetly.

"I’m Daniel." he said extending his hand out .

"Lexa Doig." she grinned back, "from Andromeda."

"Andromeda? Sorry, never seen it."

It was at this point that Daniel realised that he was staring into her deep brown eyes and she was staring hard into his. Suddenly there was a connection, a connection that Daniel hadn’t felt since Sha’re. Her dark hair and face somehow drew him in. Her bronze skin showed up her pearl white teeth that she was smiling at him.

"You know, you look like a goddess." He blurted it out before his brain could stop the thought.

Oh god, that’s done it. She’s gonna think that you’re either a stalker or just plain crackers.

But instead, she laughed.

"Don’t tell me, Mars, god of war, ‘cause I look like a war zone."

"Well, I was thinking Aphrodite."

"That’s so sweet. Listen, I’ve got to go, photo session. I hope I see you again real soon."

At that point she planted a lingering kiss on his lips. Daniel’s eyes opened like the Stargate iris. That was unexpected. Their lips parted and she turned to leave but she kept her head turned to him. All Daniel could do was wave feebly back at her. When she was out of sight, he turned and started to resume his search. But instead of Anubis and the possible end of the world on his mind, he had only one thought on his mind…

I’d love to marry her one day…!

O’Neill quickly checked his watch. Half an hour had passed and still no sign of a Goa’uld System Lord or a bespectacled small man who produced the show.

"Excuse me! Excuse me, sir!"

O’Neill spun to see a tall balding man sprint wildly at him. If this was Peter telling people about this Richard look-alike, he was dead man walking.

"Yes?" he said, trying to be as innocent as Special Forces training would allow.

"You forgot your registration badge."

Damn! He had paid in and then ranted that it cost him a fortune to get in. In his hurry to begin the search, he had forgotten to pick up his I.D tag for the convention.

"Thanks.. uh…what’s your name?"

"Brian Cooney."

"You don’t work on the show, do you?" he asked fearing that Brian and Peter might somehow be related somehow.

"No." he laughed. "But I do run this convention."

"Oh." said O’Neill silently. "Got to dash. Looking for someone."

Brian nodded. "OK, I’ll see you later. By the way, there’s been a change of episode showing. Instead of Factions, we’ll be showing Angels Of Mercy." He then trotted off at a pace that would have seen him in an Olympic team without any further consideration.

Great, he thought, how could this day get any better? No sooner had the thought been thought than there was a loud burst of yelling and a round of profanities that would have made a hardened trucker blush. Immediately, he ran over to the scene. Just as he got there, he saw Carter being hauled out by two large stewards and they were having a hard time. Another man, middle aged wasn’t far behind her. It was obvious that the two were being separated for their own good.

"…and listen here, Mr. Andre Bore- My- Ass, I know what I’m talking about because I happen to work with them on a regular basis."

"Oh, yeah?" said Mr. Bormanis. "I suppose you work with theoretical wormholes everyday of your life then, do ya?"

Before there was a reply, O’Neill stepped in.

"Er… is there a problem?" he asked hoping that diplomacy would get him through this one. Carter was still fizzing away. Andre and Carter were being kept apart for each others safety… and every one else’s for that matter.

Andre turned, still mad.

"Yeah, she says that the wormhole can’t exist in real time as it doesn’t have a fixed point or discernable entry point."

"A wormhole can only exist if it has a super-conductor and amplified power source to keep it outside that space station of yours…!"

"That’s it!!" screamed Bormanis as he tried to claw his way towards the Major. Carter was about to call "Bring it on!" when O’Neill intervened.

"I’m sorry, my friend Sam does tend to get a little carried away when it comes to science here. Isn’t that right, Sam?"

"I’m gonna kill the little…!"

A well timed hand over her mouth stopped any other regrettable things being said.

"You know how it is if you don’t get your first cup of coffee in the morning."

"No!" came Andre’s reply.

"Ah! Well don’t worry, I’ll look after her. There’ll be no more incidents, I promise." said O’Neill backing out of the corridor with Sam, hand still over her mouth and trying to swear like a trooper, only for it to come out as "mmmmummph mmuummmmiiinmm!" (Translation: I am gonna kill that little (deleted)!!)

Teal’c wasn’t having any luck. No sign of Anubis but he did get stopped by many attendees who were impressed by his First Prime symbol on his forehead. Luckily, he managed to persuade them that it was only make-up. Now he was making a thorough search of the dealers room. If he still had Junior, he would know of another Goa’uld right away. But as it was, no such luck so he had to be extra vigilant. He scanned the tables, bulging of various merchandise. He was about to take his leave when something caught his eye. He marched straight to the table.

Weaponry. The likes he had never seen before. He carefully studied the contents. The dealer was letting him examine the contents in great detail. And then he saw it. A moon shaped blade. Unsharpened, but none the less effective.

"May I examine this piece?" he asked. Well, demanded was more like it.

The dealer nodded. Teal’c picked it up and swung the blade a couple of times and smiled. The balance was perfect. He turned to the dealer, grinning like the proverbial cat with proverbial mouse.

"What do you call this and how much is it?"

Daniel was passing the same room when Teal’c left carrying the curved blade in a make shift holster on the back of his tac vest, grinning away.

"Teal’c, what is that you’re carrying?" he asked, worrying about the kind of answer he was going to get.

"It is called a bat’leth or sword of honour."

Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer thought Daniel. "You gonna use that…?"

"Indeed, Daniel Jackson. If we are to capture Anubis, we must prepare for all eventualities."

Daniel took stock of Teal’c weapons. 9mm pistol, P90 automatic, slung over one shoulder, zat on one wrist holster, staff weapon in one hand and bat- wotsit on back. Well, that obviously covered Plans A, B, C and D.

"I suppose you can never be too prepared." He asked with just a hint of sarcasm.

If it was a joke, Teal’c didn’t even show that he had registered it as so.


Daniel scratched his head. How the hell was he going to explain this one to the others.

He had just finished that thought when two fans walked right up to them and smiled at them in some sort of idol worship. Teal’c looked down at them (literally) and cocked his quizzically.

"Is there something I can do to help you?" he rumbled.

But instead of being shocked, frightened or even alarmed, the fans simply beamed as if they had been told that they had won the top prize in the lottery.

"Hi, I’m Terry."

"I’m Alan."

"And we wanted to say that we loved your appearance on Andromeda."

But Teal’c wasn’t amused.

"I was not on Andromeda. Neither was my colleague."

Daniel somehow managed to stem a blush. All he could see was Lexa’s face..!

Both of the fans faces dropped like a rock. Alan then swung a punch on Terry’s arm.

"You said that it was them!!"

"I thought that it was, O.K?"

The quarrelsome pair left, still bitching, leaving a very puzzled Teal’c far behind.

"Daniel Jackson?"


"What is this Andromeda that they speak of?"

"TV show. Haven’t actually seen it myself. Tell you more when I find out."

The two then left the area.

Carter was still cooling down from her run in with Star Trek’s science consultant when she bumped into a couple of male chests without really looking. She was about to apologise when her gaze focused onto whom she had collided with. Two men of whom had spent a considerable time at a gymnasium obviously. One was Caucasian, the other of African/ American.

Hubba-hubba, ding-ding! Ree-sult! was all that went through her mind.

"I….I’m Sam!" she burbled at great effort .

The Caucasian smiled. "I’m Kevin Sorbo and this is Keith Hamilton Cobb. Do you watch Andromeda? "

"Sorry. I don’t get to watch much TV because of my work."

Keith became interested.

"So what do you do?"

"I…er…study deep space radar telemetry."

But instead of looking bored or uninterested, both men were fascinated.

"So, have you ever found anything interesting.?" asked Kevin, sounding like an excited schoolboy.

"Well, actually, we found a meteor that almost hit the Earth a couple of years ago." She didn’t have the heart to tell them that she and the rest of SG-1 were actually on the meteor trying to blow it up before riding it through the Earth after it was discovered to have a naquadah core that would have wiped out the Earth if the bomb had exploded.

But instead of the usual bored/ I-want-to-get-outta-here look that usually followed (especially from Col. O’Neill) the two men were actually interested.

"Hey, that’s interesting" said Kevin. "Listen, if you’re not too busy later on, what do you fancy doing later on?"

Jump on your bones, that’s what!! Phwoar!

But fortunately she managed to suppress the thought before it got to her mouth.

"I’m quite busy right now but I can give you my number..!"

Both men moved at the same time.

"If you change your mind, here’s ours." Both produced business cards. Sam took them nervously as if they were the winning numbers in next weeks National Lottery.

"Thanks." She said quite excitedly. "Hope to see you soon. Bye."

She turned and disappeared down the corridor. Keith and Kevin watched her go. When she left their vision, both men sighed in despair.

"You know that she was using you to get at me." said Keith.

Kevin frowned at his co-star.

"I thought it was the other way round."

"Yeah, in your dreams."

Meanwhile, in an obscure part of the hotel, a cloaked figure and his pilot/ guard hid watching the activity. The guard wasn’t a First Prime, but he showed potential to be in a few years time… if he survives this mission.

"I do not understand these Tauri. They see you, yet do not fear you. Why is this so?" asked the guard as another group of fans walked by and even waved to them cheerfully.

If Anubis could smile, he would be grinning wildly.

"They are so primitive, that they do not see the danger, yet! In time they will bow to me. All who oppose me will be destroyed. I as yet do not fully understand why they do not suspect why I am not one of them. It may be to do with the type of gathering. In any case I have sent out a signal to my First Prime who will be arriving shortly. Not even the Tok’ra or the Tauri will be able to trace the signal as I have encrypted it."

The guard nodded respectfully. Clearly, his master was wise and cunning. He glanced around carefully.

"I shall make another patrol around the area to make sure that we haven’t been followed." He bowed again and left when Anubis dismissed him with a wave of his hand. Despite his confidence, there was a worry that his ship was tracked to this location. It had startled to tumble out of control in the lower atmosphere and eventually broke up. But not before Anubis and his guard had used the transport rings to escape. The rings had deposited them here and it was sheer luck that no-one else had noticed that they were aliens, hell bent on global conquest. With luck, they wouldn’t have to wait too long. But the infidels at the SGC had proven to be a thorn in his side. For all he knew they could be here already. He had a few surprises for them if they were.

At that point, Brian Cooney rounded the corner at near break-neck speed and almost ploughed into Anubis.

"Uh… sorry, I’m in such a hurry. Hey, don’t forget to wear your I.D badge. Great costume, see you."

Before the System Lord could respond, Brian had rounded the corner and disappeared. Even for Anubis, that was strange.

Outside the hotel, SG teams 2 and 999 waited. There had been only a fleeting communication earlier on and even at that the order was for radio silence until it was deemed necessary. Procter looked over to his right and saw Brian Craig crouching. It had taken all of his persuasion to stop Brian from arming all the exits with Claymores. ("Health and Safety rules forbid anyone mining fire exits with explosives, trust me Brian, it’s there.") Brian shook his head when Procter looked over. No action.

He then turned to his left and saw Xander McEwan listening with a set of headphones that was connected to what looked suspiciously like a miniature satellite dish. He was eavesdropping on the nearby rooms, hoping to catch a gleam of anything. He too shook his head when signalled. Procter sighed. This was going to be a long night, he could tell. He flicked on the other radio that he had, the one that was tuned to the outside teams only.

"Gatecrasher One to all units, check in, over."

Gatecrasher Four here. All clear. Over"

Nothing near CWO Gallacher then.

"Gatecrasher Eight here. The kitchen porter has some pair of legs on her as well as a massive pair of….!"

"Gatecrasher One to Gatecrasher Eight. It’s Goa’uld we’re looking for, not possible conquests for your sexual fantasies. Do I make myself clear?"

"Spoilsport……..Sir!" came the hasty reply.

Gatecrasher Two here. No dice either." This was immediately followed by what sounded like thunder over the speaker. Procter jumped.

"Major, are you all right? What’s your six?"

A long pause and then, "Sorry sir. That was Scooby’s belly rumbling. I guess he’s a bit close to the microphone. Over."

"Jeez, I swear that bear is going to be the death of us one of these days."

"And Scooby says "Hi!" as well. Gatecrasher Two, out."

When everyone else had checked in with a negative report, Procter relaxed slightly and sighed. Nothing to do but wait.

Jacob turned a corner, but then quickly ducked into an alcove. In front of him and seemingly oblivious to his presence was Anubis’ guard. He turned his head slowly to ensure that he wasn’t followed. Jacob kept his eyes on him until the guard had left his field of vision. Then he thumbed his radio.

"Jacob to O’Neill. He’s here."

Jacobs radio exploded into life.

"O.K. Where are you right now?" O’Neill sounded tense. Little wonder.

"Somewhere on the third floor near rooms 320 and 330. I saw his guard near there so it doesn’t take too much to work out that he’ll be fairly close there."

"O.K, I’m on my way."

"For Gods sake, be careful, Jack"

The guard had decided to return to the point that Jacob had first seen him. Jacob lunged backwards, praying to any deity that he hadn’t been spotted. He drew his zat and quietly armed it. This was going to be close. The guards footsteps came closer and then suddenly began to fade. Jacob popped his head from his foxhole.


The guard had gone down an adjacent corridor.

O’Neill and Carter came sprinting from behind Jacob.

"Where’d he go?" asked O’Neill.

Jacob pointed towards the corridor. "That way. I don’t think that there’s anyone else there. But don’t forget that there’s a lot of civilians. This could get messy, Jack."

O’Neill nodded. He quickly thumbed his radio.

"This is Sierra Golf One Niner to all units. Confirmed sighting of Jaffa on third floor. All teams stand by to move in. We might need the back-up. Treble Nine, stay at your posts. We don’t want him sneaking out behind us. O’Neill out."

He looked at Sam and Jacob. Both of them nodded. This was it. The moment that they had waited for. And it was up to them. After giving a visual check on them, O’Neill turned off the safety to his P-90 and turned.

"OK, lets do it."

He was about to start his sprint when Carter stopped him.

"Sir, I recommend that we use zats first. This is a public area and if the public hear gunfire…!"

"She’s right Jack." added Jacob.

O’Neill was about to protest when that single voice of reason in his head agreed with the statement.

"OK, zats it is. But if we start taking heavy fire…!

Carter nodded. "Understood."

Jacob simply nodded

The guard knelt before his master.

"Speak!" ordered Anubis.

"My Lord, there are members of the Tauri force known as SG-1 present in this building. They are trying to search for us. I fear that it will be only a matter of time."

He sounded afraid.

But Anubis wasn’t troubled.

"This was expected. However we will evade capture. I have seen to it."

At that point a zat blast came whirling past the guards head. He turned to the direction of where it had come. There, stood behind the corner was O’Neill, Carter and Jacob. Instinctively the guard dived to return fire. He took up station behind a table and fired in two successive bursts each time. He was shooting to kill. These guys were playing for keeps. Just when the guard thought that it was three versus two, there was another blast… from the other direction. Teal’c and Daniel had fired from behind. But Anubis was ready. Immediately, he raised his personal shield. The blasts simply evaporated on contact. Jacob lunged for a shot, just as the guard fired his double volley. Jacob ducked back in time to avoid the first shot but not the second. It struck his hip and he reeled backwards. Carter spun towards him as he fell.


But Jacob waved her aside.

"It’s nothing Selmac can’t fix." He winced as he tried to show that it didn’t really hurt…that much.

The guard saw his chance. Quickly he rolled a sonic grenade towards O’Neill’s position. O’Neill spotted it as it came closer.

"Fire in the hole! Take cover!"

Daniel and Teal’c lunged backwards. O’Neill and the Carters did the same.

The grenade went off but since they were so far back, it didn’t render them unconscious as it should have. Instead it left them reeling with the kind of ringing in their head as if they had stayed too long in a noisy nightclub. As a result the pair simply strolled past as if they hadn’t a care in the world. As Anubis rounded the corner, Teal’c and Daniel charged towards the others.

"Where did they go?" asked Daniel.

Carter looked over to the stairwell where they had left.

"Sir, they’re headed for the main conference room.

Outside the hotel, SG-999 were already waiting for Anubis to exit at one of the rear doors when all of a sudden Sgt. Maj. Jim Johnson snapped up from his scanner and grabbed his radio.

"Gatecrasher Ten to Gatecrasher One. We have an incoming on an intercept for the hotel…FAST!!"

"What’s its ETA?"

A few quick calculations later.

"About ten minutes approximately."

Procter cursed. Typical. Anubis had this all planned. Hide out on Earth not to exact a master plan, just long enough to pick up a ride home. He switched channels to contact O’Neill.

"Gatecrasher One to Sierra Golf One Niner."

"O’Neill. What’s the six?"

"We have incoming. Possibly, Anubis’ ride home."

Carter and Jacob stared at O’Neill with shock.

"Will you be able to hold them off for long."

He knew the answer but had to ask.

"We’ll try but I don’t have anything here that’ll take out a transport vessel.."

"Just do your best, Nick. O’Neill out."

"…And the winner of the Fancy Dress Contest, and believe me, the judges had a hard time on this one," announced Brian with a flourish with the guests nodding in agreement. Last night’s contest was a toughie. So many great entries. So many, that they even made up extra categories since it was akin to choosing between apples and oranges.

"…Anne Newbis as Emperor Palpatine."

Anne gasped with amazement. They had told her that she had won on the night but to go on stage with the cast of Wormhole X-treme was almost too much. Even her friend got in on teasing her.

"Dare you to snog Nick Marlowe."

Anne playfully thumped her pal and stood up to head for the stage amidst a room full of attendees cheering her and applauding.

On stage the cast of Wormhole X-treme stood applauding. Marlowe had stayed up a little too late at the disco the previous night and the early start this morning to prepare for the closing ceremony wasn’t helping his hangover much. Yup, Nick Marlowe. a.k.a Col. Danning was fighting his worst enemy; lack of sleep.

Raymond Gunne who played Dr. Levant on the show sneakily nudged Marlowe in the ribs.

"You still awake?" he whispered.

"Uh…yeah…I think so." he said, not quite sure if he believed it himself.

"Look sharp." hissed Yolanda Reece. She played Maj. Stacey Monroe, the scientific boffin who always stayed calm in the heat of the action but right now was as nervous as hell. Anne stepped onto the stage and it was Brian who directed her towards the cast, as if she really needed any prompting. She shook their hands and got hugs and kisses from them.

"Really liked the costume." said Marlowe.

"Thought it was really cool." replied Gunne.

"No arguments here." answered Reece.

Douglas Anders who played the robot Grell on the show was about to offer his congratulations when all of a sudden the rear hall doors burst open and in stormed Anubis and his guard who had his zat drawn.

The rest of the convention’s guests were also on stage for the closing ceremony. It was Peter DeLuise who spotted Anubis first.

"Hey, that guy’s got an even better costume than yours." he said, rather impressed.

Anne growled as she turned. It was at this point that the guard grabbed her for use as a hostage. Anne thought at first that this was some part of the ceremony, but judging by the way the guard was trying to cut off her circulation at her neck, reason told her that this wasn’t a game.

A moment later Carter and O’Neill and a couple of Tok’ra burst in.

"Get down everyone." screamed O’Neill.

When the safety clicked off, those nearest the colonel realised what was going on and darted out of the room. When those next to them saw what was going on, they left too. It became a sort of Mexican wave-Congo effect.

The guard fired at O’Neill. Common sense came to the guests and the organisers and the left by the fire exit at the rear of the stage.

Teal’c and Daniel had entered a door nearer the stage, but as they too opened fire, Anubis raised his personal shield and the hits simply bounced harmlessly off the shield. Anne by this time had slipped under the guards arm. Since he was preoccupied with shooting, she ran past the door where Teal’c stood. Carter and O’Neill moved closer to the stage. The guard was good. Shooting close enough to stop the from getting a clear shot. But O’Neill did get a shot at the guard. The single shot hit the guard on his neck. His head cracked back and he fell into a twisted heap.

Gotcha now thought O’Neill.

Suddenly there was a loud roar from outside and above.

"Open fire." yelled Procter.

Immediately an assortment of ordnance rained upwards to make contact with the transport vessel. It didn’t have its shields raised as they would be calling for the transport rings soon.

"We are having no effect on their hull." called Bru’tac.

"No kidding." hollered Gallacher.

A small rocket shot out from the ground and impacted on the underside. Stevely turned to see where the shot had come from. It was no surprise to see Lt. Craig with a rocket launcher.

"Why the hell didn’t you tell us that you were taking that thing?" screamed Stevely.

Craig shrugged. "Thought you already knew."

The result was a good one… for now. The ship turned to reacquire its transport point after the blast . But their luck wasn’t going to hold out forever and everyone knew it.

Inside the hall, Anubis stood in the middle of the stage with his own shield still up. All the guests and attendees had since fled, something about the sound of gunfire and the chance of being shot. Anubis’ guard lay at his masters feet, dead.

SG-1 and the Tok’ra moved forward, weapons raised.

"OK, big boy. Come on down, it’s all over." called O’Neill.

Instead Anubis laughed.

Odd reaction since he’s surrounded thought O’Neill.

"Fool! I have not been defeated yet. Soon I will evade your clutches and rain destruction on your miserable world very soon after."

A loud whirring sound entered the room there after.

Transport rings.

It was now or never. There was a large volley of zat blasts and automatic fire raining on the rings. Anubis lowered his shield for transport once the rings had settled around him.

Teal’c drew his bat’leth and hurled it between the rings like a boomerang. However the transport had already taken place and the blade simply soared through the empty space and imbedded itself against the opposite wall. The rings then disappeared out of the room and there came the roar of powerful engines firing and departing.

O’Neill stepped up to the stage and looked at the platform. Even the dead guard had been taken up. The colonel cursed and then sighed. It was no use.

Anubis had escaped.

Back at the SGC, SG-1 sat at the conference table with General Hammond at the head. The team were despondent and disappointed that such an opportunity had slipped through their fingers. O’Neill could almost hear Senator Kinsey crowing on about the teams ineffectiveness and so on and so on. O’Neill had nothing but praise for all those on the mission although he couldn’t work out what the hell Carter was jabbering on about. (Their bodies. Oh my God they were so firm. I just want to…!) But no one could believe that this was all planned and Anubis had escaped capture so easily.

Hammond turned to O’Neill.

"So, he had this all planned?"
"Everything, sir. No one could have known that he had a second craft ready and waiting. No one was to blame. Not even the Tok’ra."

"So what about those at the convention?"

Daniel raised his hand.

"I don’t think that we have to worry too much about that."

He thumbed a remote control that lowered the lights and lit up the display screen. On it was a very startled and confused Brian Cooney surrounded by hordes of reporters.

"So, Mr Cooney, how are you going to top off next years event?" asked one journalist.

"Uh… um!! Well…. Er…!" came the intellectual reply.

"How did you get the army to do the outside display with the model spaceship?"

"The army… were outside? Space… spaceship? I had…er …!"

Carter interjected.

"The press and all those involved at the convention believe that it was a special effects display for the closing ceremony. There were fans who thought that the ship was a special display to promote an upcoming convention and even wanted to see inside it."

"Those inside the hall during our confrontation believe that our fight was merely a special effects display since no one could explain our zats." added Teal’c. Hammond smiled. "Anyway, we’re more than happy to pay for the repair of the hall if it keeps the press off our backs and stops difficult questions."

"So did anything else happen?

"Yeah I met an idol of mine." said O’Neill quickly. At this point everyone groaned. This was the one question that the General shouldn’t have asked.

Hammond looked surprised at everyone’s reaction.


"Mat Groenig, the guy who does The Simpsons sir. After we got back, I got him to autograph my entire collection."

"All of it, colonel?"

"Every last piece of it." he said smugly.

Well, if there is no other business, you’re dismissed.

Teal’c nodded and left quietly. Daniel and O’Neill left at the same time. As they left earshot they could be heard talking.

"You got him to sign everything?

"You betcha, and I’ll even show what he wrote on one of the videos."

Daniel could only shake his head in disbelief as he left. Teal’c took up a rear guard action if only to witness such a reaction on Daniels face . Besides he was curious himself. Once everyone had gone, Hammond turned to Carter.

"So where were we in our previous discussion, Major"

"I said that Star Trek The Next Generation was far superior to Classic Trek."

"Well it just so happens that I’ve got my DVDs here to show you."

Hammond popped into his office and came out with several boxes.

"And I’ve got mine. So let battle commence." said Hammond with vigour.

It was almost a furore over who got to put the first disc in. So much so that Sgt. Siler and the gate technician thought that there was an all out punch up going on in the conference room. Luckily both Hammond and Carter came to a viewing arrangement, barring any incoming wormholes and settled down to get on with some really important discussions, such as who was the better captain and who got out of situations better.

Ah, the pleasures of fandom.

(P.S, They’re still arguing.)