Code Of Conduct and Rules of Engagement.
Code Of Conduct and Rules of Engagement.
Compiled by 1st Lt. R.J. Beaton (SG-999 Press and Information Officer), with assistance and contributions from Chief Warrant Officer John J. Gallacher and others.
Team SG–999, AKA "The Gatecrashers", AKA SG-13 "Unlucky For Some Other Poor Bugger", (Unit mottoes: UNA SALUS VICTUS "The One Hope of the Doomed", and AEGRESCIT MEDENDO "The Cure is Worse that the Disease") was created during the Summer of 2000 at the behest of the President by Major General George S. Hammond and Col. Jack O’Neill of the SGC, following several incidents (fatalities, severe wounding, capture, torture, "Foothold" situations) involving numerous SG team members during off-world and Earth-based missions, to operate as Star Gate Command’s Tactical Rescue Unit (T.R.U.).
Officially designated as a combined Combat Search and Rescue (C.S.A.R.) and Special Warfare (SPECWAR) unit, SG–999’s primary function is to
scare the living crap out of any Goa’uld that dares to start any funny stuff facilitate the rapid diagnosis/ treatment/ Medevac of any wounded SG team member/ civilian specialist/ off-world ally while in the field, via a team of highly skilled, combat trained Medical personnel, while the squad’s Security element lays down a field of suppressing fire, and the Technical personnel activate the Stargate/ disable any booby-traps left by retreating Jaffa forces/ set booby-traps of their own.
All potential members of Team SG–999 must be fully qualified in Medical, Security or Technical fields, (other fields such as Hazmat, Squad Automatic Weapon Gunner, U.D.T., E.O.D, Pilot, or Sniper may become available in the future) and report directly to the Commanding Officer of the SGC, Maj. Gen. Hammond, via the Unit C.O. Col. Nick W. "Nuke ‘Em ‘Til They Glow!" Procter (Information correct at the time of printing).
Due to the unpredictable nature of C.S.A.R. missions, it must be noted here that SG–999 are –
a gang of homicidal maniacs unconventional – in their approach to U.S. Armed Forces regulations, protocols, and the chain of command. That being the case, SG–999 is not quartered in barracks at the SGC’s Cheyenne Mountain facility. They are instead the only element of the SGC to be permanently based off-world, specifically on the planet designated as "Alpha Site", but as far away from said Alpha Site as one can possibly get while remaining on the same planetary surface and still be near the Stargate for rapid deployment on missions..
I guess that would make it the Omega Site, right? Col. O’Neill.
And how do you get there? Simple, you just follow the trail of debris – wrecked Death-gliders, empty shell casings, grenade fragments, bullet-riddled Serpent Guard body armour, crushed beer cans, discarded fast-food containers, odour of gunpowder, and signs saying "Goa’uld Free Zone", "Trespassers Will Be Defenestrated", "Never Mind the Dog, Beware of Nasty Nick!" and so on – to the building marked "SG–999 Command Post: Knock Three Times and Assume the Position." Dr. Jackson.
Due to several unpleasant "incidents" early in the operational existence of Team SG–999, individual team members are only permitted to leave the Cheyenne Mountain complex under heavily armed guard, and the team as a whole have a 72hr time limit for the duration of their time on Earth for equipment resupply/ personnel replacement.Yeah, they have an alarming tendency to break stuff – gas stations, Police armouries, bars, nightclubs, burger joints, and parking structures. You know, that kind of thing… Sgt. Siler.
This restriction especially applies to Staff Sgt. Steven D. Martin AKA "H.J. (Horizontal Jogger)", AKA "Codename Casanova". Details of several distasteful occurrences pertaining to the improper usage of USAF night vision equipment, the neighbourhood Nurses Halls of Residence, and a University of Colorado Sorority House, have been forwarded to Gen. Hammond’s office via Sheriff J.W. Pepper of the local Police Department. Similarly, the management of O’Malley’s Bar & Grill have placed a lifetime ban upon the members of Team SG–999, they can’t afford the constant repairs and the insurance premiums were rapidly edging towards the extortionate.
Due to the recent disclosure of Project Stargate and the SGC to the international community (specifically the Governments of the U.K., Republic of China, former Soviet Union and France) Team SG-999 has begun recruiting Officers and N.C.O.’s from non-U.S. Military SPECWAR organisations such as the British SAS, SBS and Royal Marines, Chinese Army and Air Force, Russian Spetnaz, LegionEtranger (French Foreign Legion), military units attached to the United Nations, and Police/ Counter Terrorist organisations.
Gen. Hammond, Col. O’Neill, and Col. Procter are adopting a "wait and see" posture with regard to the new team members and their conduct in missions performed by Team SG-999.
New recruits for Team SG–999 must be approved by Gen Hammond and Col. Procter. They are assigned to the team for a probationary period of either:
A) Three months.
B) Ten missions.
Whichever is the sooner. Providing they don’t get killed captured or go crazy first that is… O’Neill.
All members of Team SG–999 will be trained in the use and operation of Hydra–Shok weapons system. This training will consist of the charging, discharging and removal of munitions. All Hydra–Shok weapons are to be stored in the uncharged mode until required or upon entry of a hostile situation. Authorisation for use of Hydra–Shok weapons is given only on express orders of the unit C.O., Col. Procter. All Hydra–Shok equipment will be issued by the unit armoury officer – Major C. Stevely, and issued from the specially designated SG–999 arms locker (AKA Chief Warrant Officer Gallacher’s place).
All Personnel – Please Note: Three weeks advance warning is given before Team SG-999 undergoes mandatory weapons re-qualification. Heavy duty ear defenders are available from Col. Procter, for a modest rental fee.
During the course of their on-the-job-training, new SG–999 team members will be made familiar with the xenobiologies of the various off-world beings they might encounter. The SGC freely admits that there may be some confusion amongst personnel regarding the correct identification of several races.
For example, there are two alien species that have a symbiotic creature in their torsos, the Trills and the Goa'uld/ Jaffa. One is a legitimate target; the other is not.
The key to telling them apart is as follows: Trills have spots across their foreheads and down the sides of their head and neck. While the Jaffa have a telltale "stamp" or "brand" on their foreheads. Goa’uld have glowing eyes and very deep voices (this especially applies to females). Remember folks: Jaffa and Goa’uld are the targets, Trills are not…
Prior to departure on a mission, team members must draw proper equipment and munitions from the Gear–Up Room via the Quartermaster, Major H. Boothroyd, and should the mission require it, vehicles from the motor pool via Master Sgt. E. G. Bilko.
All Personnel – Please Note: DO NOT, under any circumstances, play poker with Sgt. Bilko.
At the start of a mission, all team members must meet in the gateroom and await activation of the Stargate. The team can proceed through the gate after activation but not before. (See attached medical reports on the condition of C/W.O. Gallacher when he dived through the gate before it was activated).
Always remember the six P’s ladies an’ germs: Proper Preparation Prevents Piss–Poor Performance.
All Personnel – Please Note: You are hereby reminded that the D.H.D.’s (Dial–Home Devices) do not have 1471, directory enquiries or user selectable "ringtones" and graphics, neither does it connect you with "Mistress Janeway’s Dungeon of Eternal Damnation" – Staff Sgt. S.D. Martin please take note.
Similarly, senior SG–999 personnel will refrain from enquiring "I wonder what does this button does?" while training new team members in D.H.D. operation – we ask you to please remember that while Dr. Frasier is the SGC’s Senior Medical Officer, she does not possess a qualification in the treatment of psychiatric disorders.
SG–999 team members are not in a position to initiate first contact procedures with alien species. However in the unlikely event of such an occurrence taking place, a nice polite and friendly "Hello" is considered to be a good start. The greeting "Howzit gaun’ China?" is not acceptable (especially to representatives of the Chinese armed forces). Similarly, SG team leaders will please desist from referring to our new French allies as – "Cheese eating surrender monkeys…"
Remember people – good manners cost nothing.
Ogling the backside of Major Carter, and/or Dr. Frasier (while they are looking) is strictly forbidden. Similarly, the propositioning of female base personnel, visiting dignitaries (off world or otherwise), and/or scientific advisors, enquiring if they quote – "Fancy a quick knee-trembler in the broom cupboard/ weapons locker..." – is likewise firmly prohibited. Staff Sgt. S.D. Martin, THIS MEANS YOU!
Please be respectful of the special abilities of other SG team members. Just because Dr. Daniel Jackson can read strange, weird and unintelligible alien languages, does not mean that he can read your handwriting. This especially applies to medical personnel.
Daniel, if you can read hieroglyphics, does that mean you can read loweroglyphics as well? Maj. Carter.
Very funny, Sam. Jack’s sense of humour is obviously contagious… Dr. Jackson.
Blood pouring out (from anywhere it shouldn’t) can correctly be diagnosed as an open wound. Remember ladies an’ germs – The air goes in an’ out, an’ the blood goes round an’ round, any other combination is not good… All bleeding will stop – eventually… Medical personnel will make themselves familiar with alien biology’s, this includes the purple squishy bits that go "blomp blomp" when you prod them.
Upon the discovery of a casualty, SG–999 medical personnel will please refrain from using the Scottish Ambulance Service diagnosis protocols. As much as the SGC respects this fine organisation, no SG–999 medic will repeatedly enquire of the casualty, "Huv ye hurted yersel’ pal?"
Ascertaining if the casualty responds to a painful stimuli is not an excuse to "put the boot in!" no matter how ugly they are. Col. Procter, please take note.
Before any SG–999 member enters the Stargate, they will refrain from waving to the control booth and uttering the immortal words - "Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be…!"
PROHIBITED USE OF THE STARGATE
It has come to the attention of Gen. Hammond that members of certain SG teams are abusing the Stargate. As a result, the following activities and sending of items are directly prohibited:
1) Golfing practice, in an effort to improve a certain SG team leader’s backswing.
Col. O’Neill, please be so kind as to leave your golf clubs at home in future. Gen. Hammond.
2) Vomiting and diarrhoea, after meals in the mess hall. Use the toilets like normal people!
Medical Personnel – Please Note: Contrary to popular belief, and the slanderous rumours spread by Col. O’Neill, the tomato surprise served in the Officer’s Mess has officially been declared to be Non-Toxic and safe for human consumption – if only barely.
Technical Personnel – Please Note: Following extensive research by Staff Sgt. Siler, it is now confirmed that said tomato surprise cannot be used as a universal lubricant. You are also reminded that standing orders dictate that at least two weeks prior notice is given before you borrow Sgt. Siler’s wrench.
Let’s get one thing clear – yes, I am that attached to it. No, I do not take it to bed with me in place of the USAF issue teddy bear. Anyone who says different is a liar… Sgt. Siler.
That’d be me, then… O’Neill.
Security Personnel – Please Note: The use of U.S. Military Issue rock cakes as a kinetic energy weapon has been officially prohibited by the U.N. Arms Inspectors under the terms of the Geneva Convention as being a Cruel and Unusual Punishment, even for Goa’uld. Anyone who wishes to take further issue with chef’s cooking, please be so kind as to send your grievances to the following address: Sgt. 1st Class Marvin F. "Roadblock" Hinton, c/o Lt. Gen. Clayton M. "Tomahawk" Abernathy, Special Counter-Terrorist Group Delta (G.I. Joe), Wright Patterson Air Force Base, Fairborn, Ohio, USA.
3) Urinating and defecating (even if the toilets are out of action.) Can I have my wrench back, please? Sgt. Siler.
4) Use as a roulette wheel, or as any other game-show prop.
Use as a toy for small furry animals, no matter what the size, and no matter how cute they are!
C/ W.O. Gallacher – Please Note: Gizmo the Wonder Guinea Pig is to be left at home from now on. He sets off Dr. Jackson’s allergies.
Use as a dartboard. The armoury is running short of AGM-70 "MacGyver" missiles.
7) As a temporary road diversion (use Clyde Tunnel like anyone else!).
Clyde Tunnel? Do I know this guy? O’Neill.
8) As a shooting range. (As a result, planet PX- 427-RU1-2, which was friendly, has now joined the Goa’uld against Earth in a state of war.)
9) The disposal of lit fireworks (although tactical nuclear weapons are the exception), except when these have to be approved by our munitions and demolitions expert Captain John J. Sheridan, who’s office is handily located on level B5 – just follow the scorch marks and smell of gunpowder.
All references to any off-world visitors looking like characters from popular science fiction television programmes are also prohibited. Yes – we know that an alien species did have facial features that resembled a certain sensitive portion of female anatomy, but that was no reason for Col. Procter to address them thusly: "Howzit gaun’ twat face?"
All team members must conduct themselves properly AT ALL TIMES! This includes combat scenarios. The battle cry "Lets scrag the weirdoes!!" is not considered proper, neither are the following: "Tongs, ya bas!", "You’re f*****g claimed, pal!", "You’re goin’ ‘ome in a f*****g ambulance!", "You’ll ne-vah walk – a-gain…"
Due to a recent incident, it must be noted that Teal’c did not have a job in the Post Office as a rubber stamp.
The MALP (Mobile Analytical Laboratory Probe) is a highly sophisticated piece of experimental technology and must be treated with proper care and respected as such (DO NOT BREAK IT!). Use of the above item of equipment for the purposes of gardening, walking dogs, minding children/ elderly relatives or retrieving take-away food is hereby banned (except by express order of Gen. Hammond, Col. O’Neill, or Col. Procter).
Similarly the Zat’nikatel Goa’uld energy weapons (commonly referred to as Zat-guns) are advanced alien technology, and as such we do not fully understand how they work. Remember people! One shot stuns. Two shots kill. Three shots disintegrate. We have no idea whatsoever of what the effects of four or more shots would be, and don’t really plan on finding out any time in the near future thanks all the same…
You’re tellin’ me! Sgt. Siler.
Major Toner – Please Note: You are hereby notified that you do not have Gen. Hammond’s permission to fit a Wombat recoilless rifle to the Mk. II MALP (Tracked Variant), and enter it in the next series of Robot Wars. Projectile weapons mounted on robots are strictly prohibited by BBC Health and Safety regulations, however flamethrowers and bludgeoning weapons are allowed.
It has come to Gen. Hammond’s attention that certain SG–999 team members have been "borrowing" U.S. Air Force vehicles for – "A wee run to the chippy…"
The sight of several – "gun toting lunatics" – fast-roping down from one of several UH-60D Blackhawk helicopters, which apparently operate a shuttle service between local fast-food franchises and Cheyenne Mountain, is upsetting those local persons who are of a nervous disposition. This practice is now limited to twice a week, one hour before closing time.
Likewise, Col. Procter’s custom of attaching Claymore anti-personnel mines to the front bumpers of Humvee’s in place of "bull bars" is strictly forbidden. Likewise, "buzzing" Capt. George of the Irn-Bru Eye-In-The-Sky helicopter, and "accidentally" firing a Hellfire missile at him ("Whoops-a-daisy!") is hereby prohibited.
All Personnel – Please Note: The pizza delivery boy (identified as one Philip J. Fry) is no longer permitted on the base. The General was most embarrassed by the cries of – "Pizza for Hammond? Large pepperoni, extra mushrooms, no anchovies?" – when the President came to inspect the SGC complex recently.
Respect your enemy at all times. This includes times of combat with the Jaffa.
On no account wave a popular biscuit in the air as a taunt and yell, "Full moon…" – not even the double chocolate ones! Likewise no mention is to be made of the "Smashing Jaffa orangey bit."
In the interests of security, on no account should telephone calls from the following Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) personnel be put through to Gen. Hammond’s office: Special Agent Dr. Dana Scully, Special Agent Fox W. Mulder, or Special Agent Dale Cooper.
The fact that the General bears a striking resemblance to Agent Scully’s late father (Capt. William Scully USN), and also to Major Garland Briggs USAF, is merely a spooky coincidence, and is not to be mentioned again by anyone – ever.
All Personnel – Please Note: Enquiring after the health and general (no pun intended) well being of Gen. Hammond’s two granddaughters is an approved method for getting on his good side. Please be so kind as to use it sparingly.
If any personnel that that you do not recognise are discovered wandering around the base, looking a bit lost, please be advised that they are one or more of the following:
The bad guys (boo-hiss!).
Senator Kinsey and his lackeys (HAZMAT personnel on stand-by to clean up the trail of noxious slime).
"Happy" Harry Maybourne’s gang of halfwits from the N.I.D. (A "shoot on sight – shoot to kill" policy is currently in effect).
The pizza delivery guy (ditto. What part of "No anchovies" don’t you understand?).
The photographer from Hello! Magazine (and again, ditto).
The paperboy delivering Col. O’Neill’s Simpsons comic.
The Fed Ex guy with Col. Procter’s order from the "Honking-great-gun of the month club".
S/Sgt. Martin’s pornography subscriptions being delivered in a plain brown wrapper.
People who took the wrong elevator from the regular NORAD tour group.
The audience watching the extras on the DVD’s.
And please note that all trespassers are never seen again… EVER!!
Please remember our policy towards those personnel who suddenly find themselves claustrophobic within the SGC complex…
Team SG–999 is not in the business of employing spineless wimps, mamma’s boys, tree hugging hippie types, peaceniks, people who don’t like loud noises, people whose favourite smell isn’t gun oil or neat freaks.
In the interests of public (and personal) safety, it is best not to try to introduce Teal’c to the marvels of Gillette or Remington (Mr. V. Kiam, please take note.)
It is also best not to mention that his beard (?!) looked like a piece of fluff that got stuck to his chin.
For those of you asking, Lt. Anderson is making a fine recovery, despite the injuries sustained from a staff weapon that wasn’t fired, but inserted into an orifice that had been previously thought impossible, without the prior benefit of generous measures of horse tranquilliser and anaesthetic.
This hereby concludes this edition of the SG–999 Rulebook. Any changes made to this document in the future will be made in blood, or whatever bodily fluid comes to hand first…
SG–999: "We ain’t ‘fraid of no Goa’uld!"