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All Stargate SG-1 characters are the property of MGM Ltd/ Double Secret Productions/ Gekko Film Corp. Team SG-999 characters are based on real people (you all know who you are…!)

This story is meant to be a homage to all things Stargate and does not supersede any copyright.

I had this idea for a little while but I wasn’t sure whom to cast as the main team member. At one point, I toyed with the idea of myself as the one at the desk. But I’ve always felt a little odd at writing myself in the third person. After a while, I decided to cast Xander in the lead role.

I try to be fair to everyone but due to the size of SG-99, this hasn’t always been possible. To anyone that I have missed out in my stories, I apologise; it isn’t deliberate. You can be sure that in the future, I’ll try harder. And hey, if you have an idea that you want written, get in touch. You never know.

Theme- Stargate/ comedy

Rating- PG

Timeframe- Season 8, Stargate SG-1

Spoilers- None




By John Gallacher

It was a quiet day at the SGC, deep in the bowels of Cheyenne Mountain. Capt. Xander McEwan was at his desk, working on a heap of paperwork. Most people would have said this would be dull and depressing. However after the kind of week that he and the rest of SG-999 had, this was a most welcome break.

No exploding Death Gliders. No screaming hordes of Jaffa, willing to rip up your guts for garters. No Goa’uld god-like figure demanding you to bow before him and announce him as your supreme god and having your brain fried if you resisted him in the slightest way. No, this was peaceful and a chance to catch up. You could only stay on stand-by for so long. General O’Neill had placed the team on stand down for the time being.

Requisition forms for more weapons. Got that!

Requisition forms for even more ammunition for said weapons and current hardware. Got that!

Request for daily truckloads of chocolate for Scoobie to be increased. (Doubtful) Got that!

Request forms for more request forms. Unusual, but anyway…!

He was almost through the worst of it when suddenly the office door swung in so fast that it embedded itself onto the wall to which it was hinged. Xander leapt up to see who it was that was attacking. His hand was already reaching for his sidearm when he noticed that it wasn’t a person standing in the door. Hell, it wasn’t even a humanoid.

It was a bear.

It was a bear in full battle dress uniform; beret cocked to one side, boots polished so much that they served as mirrors.

"Sgt Ted reporting, sah!" he bellowed. Given his height was only a few inches, this was quite an achievement.

Xander blinked. Who on earth was this? When his heart rate began to decrease from the fright and he began to recover from a sudden rush of adrenaline, he managed to ask the question.

"Er… who are you?"

"Sgt Ted, sah!"

"Why are you here?" He hoped that the question didn’t sound too rude.

"I’m here for the recruitment for a mascot for SG-999, sah!"

Xander quickly realised that the "sah" was the sergeant’s way of saying "sir". Almost as if he had been a drill instructor for too long and couldn’t say it any other way.

Xander looked at the bear in the doorway. He couldn’t leave him standing there.

"If you’d like to come in, I’ll see what I can do." he said.

The bear clicked his heels together and marched (literally) into the office. Once he reached the centre of the room, right in front t of the desk, he stopped, stamped and the performed the most perfect left wheel that Xander had ever seen. The sergeant was standing to attention as if waiting. Quickly, Xander realised that he couldn’t stay that way too long.

"At ease." he said quickly. The bear relaxed his pose.

"So, "continued Xander, " how did you hear of this vacancy?"

Sgt Ted faced forward and spoke in that monotone of a drill instructor.

"Whilst I was at my previous unit, I was recommended for this position given that SG-999 is a tactical rescue unit, having to be placed in areas of extreme danger. I was told by my C.O that I was perfect for this position, sah!"

Interesting thought Xander.

"So did he say that there was an actual vacancy available?"

"He said that I would be most suitable for the field, sah!"

Xander nodded. He knew a "pass-the buck" situation anywhere and this was no exception. In a way, he felt sorry for Sgt Ted. His heart was in the right place; it was just that he probably didn’t fit in anywhere.

He scratched his head. Col. "Nasty Nick" Procter was elsewhere on the base and he didn’t want to be disturbed unless a Goa’uld invasion came through the SCC (or equivalent.) Obviously, a small bear wasn’t an equivalent so he’d have to deal with as best he could.

Oh boy! was his first thought.

"So, you want to be a mascot for SG Treble Nine?"

The bear came square to attention, clicking his heels as he did so and answered "Yes, sah!"

"Well, it’s just that we don’t actually recruit for mascots; they just sort of turn up in all manner ways and they kind of stay here."

"Would they be willing to jump onto a live grenade and make the ultimate sacrifice for their comrades? I would be willing to hurl myself onto that grenade, sah!" replied Sgt. Ted. Xander momentarily wished that he had a grenade to see if he was truly willing to do as he boasted. But in the end, he dismissed the wish.

"They perform all sorts of tasks. Daisy is a Death Glider pilot; Roswell is an expert on alien technology (Don’t ask what he did to the PS2; Area 51 is still trying to figure that one out… and that was with the manual he gave them as well!) And so on and so on. So you see, it’s not just about looking pretty whenever there’s a parade." said Xander, trying to see if Ted actually had any talents, other than looking and sounding if he had too much starch in his uniform.

"I can field strip a Challenger II tank and put it back together in record time, sah!"

Xander scratched his head. As far as he was concerned, there was no record for field stripping a tank as complex as a Challenger II, but then again, Treble Nine were off-world quite often, so who knows. Maybe a record was set after all. One thing was certain. He wasn’t going to be able to sort this out by himself. He picked up the phone and keyed a code. After a brief pause, he spoke.

"Col. Procter?… Yes… Hi, Nick… I know… I’ve got a mascot who wants to join Treble Nine… Er, no, willingly, I think… I’m not joking… I somehow don’t think it’s Scoobbie in disguise… ‘Cause there’s no chocolate anywhere…Yeah… I think it might be best if you come over… I know you said not to disturb you unless it was important. Well, I think this counts… OK, see you in five."

Xander turned around and looked at Sgt Ted who was still at his "at ease" position, which still looked as if he would sprain something even though this was a more relaxed posture to most people.

"Col. Procter is on his way, since he’s our CO, so he’ll be more in a position to help you." he said smiling politely.

Ted leapt into a full attention posture and Xander was pretty sure that he heard something go either "snap" or "twang" at least. He wasn’t sure how Nick was going to react. As it was, he didn’t have long to wait.

Nick was coming full speed with every intent to shout down Xander with something like "What was so god damn important that you needed me to come here?" He’d gotten half way through the busted door when he noticed its condition. It was at that point that he slowed to "startled crawl" and only just managed to regain his power of speech.

"What… the…?"

He regained it, albeit briefly.

Not only was the door embedded into the concrete wall (still attached, in the loosest of sense to the doorframe) but there was a small bear in full BDU standing to attention in the centre of the room. Nick raised his eyebrows in that "Did he do that?" fashion. Xander closed his eyes and nodded.

Hard to believe, but yeah!

It took a moment for Nick to regain his senses. But when he did, he faced Sgt Ted with a face that he hoped showed little surprise.

"I’m Col. Nick Procter, CO of SG Treble Nine. May I ask who you are?"

"Sgt. Ted of the (*****), reporting for possible duty, sah!" snapped the rather headstrong bear. He held up a file for Nick’s inspection, a file that Xander was sure that wasn’t there a moment ago.

"What are your specialties, Sgt?"

"Demolition, sah!"

Nick’s eyebrows shot up in surprise and if his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him, this bear had glowing recommendations from several well-known generals. So glowing that you might have mistaken the ink for being some highly radioactive isotope. He glanced towards Xander in that "we need to talk" way.

"If you’ll excuse me, I need to talk to the captain."

Sgt Ted saluted and took a slight step backwards to let Xander past… as if he needed the extra space anyway.

Nick kept his voice down to avoid Ted from picking up on his conversation.

"What d’ya think?" asked Nick.

"I think he’s been dumped on us and they didn’t even do the courtesy of telling him."

Nick nodded and he knew that it would be up to himself to deliver the bad news. Such were the burdens of command. He turned and faced the sergeant.

"Er.. Sgt. Ted, I’m afraid that there’s some bad news."

Ted’s ears pricked when he heard this.

"In what way, sah?"

He took a deep breath.

"I’m afraid that there’s no easy way of saying this, so here goes. There is no opening for a new mascot at SG-999. I’m afraid that your last unit dumped you on us in what looks like a cowardly way to get rid of you. I’m sorry but you can’t join this unit."

For the first time, Ted’s shoulders sagged as if a great weight had been added and that crisp expression he wore evaporated and was replaced by one of shock and dismay.

"I…I… don’t understand…!" he stammered. "They said… that… there was an opening here..!"

"They lied." replied Xander sympathetically.

After a long pause, Ted nodded and turned.

"I see, sir. I’ll just be going… sir."

Nick was watching the humbled bear begin to shuffle out past the shattered door. But he couldn’t help feel somehow responsible for this situation. Sure, he was as much a victim as Sgt. Ted.

Then it struck him. He wouldn’t be responsible for Ted… but maybe someone else could.

"Sgt, wait a minute." he yelled as he dived for the phone. Ted stopped dead in his tracks and Xander almost had a coronary from the shock of seeing Nick fly across the room. When he had managed to recover sufficiently enough, Xander looked at Nick with that "what the hell are you up to?" look.

Nick winked. "You’ll see!"

A few weeks later, SG-999 was gathered in the gate-room, ready to disembark. Nick was standing on the first step of the gate’s ramp, facing his team and giving the final brief.

"As you know, Baal has been building his new super-ship and it’s up to us to stop him. Now, SG units 10, 11 and 17 have been clearing the way for us. So this is a demolition job."

Everyone smiled. Their specialty had always to break things and now they had permission to do so.

Walter had already started to dial the gate. When the first ka-chuunk sounded, he called out.

"Chevron One encoded."

"So," continued Nick. "SG-10 have graciously loaned us their new mascot who is more than able to assist us."

"Chevron Two encoded,"

The door to the gate-room opened in came a small bear in SG team uniform and carrying a rucksack that looked too big for him. But that was nothing compared to the smile he wore.

"Folks, I’d like to introduce you to SG-10’s new demolition expert, Sgt. Ted."

"Chevron Three encoded."

Everyone gave thumbs-up or a "welcome to the party" style approvals and Ted seemed to take it in his stride… despite its size.

"Chevron Four encoded."

"So you know what you’re doing?" asked Nick.

"Chevron Five encoded."

Ted nodded. "Find the main reactor and blow it. Run like my life depended on it. Got it!" He gave a thumbs-up.

"Chevron Six encoded."
"I’d just like to thank you for everything." said Ted with genuine sincerity.

""Don’t think of it. You were given a bum deal. And I knew that this mission was coming up. You were a natural choice."

"Chevron Seven locked!"

The Stargate exploded and then imploded to form the familiar puddle effect. General O’Neill tabbed the gate-room’s intercom.

"Treble Nine, you have a go."

The team moved towards the gate. They all stepped just short of the event horizon. Ted looked at them puzzled. Nick smiled.

"Team tradition, we let the new guy go first. A sort of "initiation" of sorts. You earned it.

The bear nodded. For the first time, he felt that he truly belonged somewhere. He took a deep breath and steeped through the gate with SG-999 not far behind.

A short time later, the gate closed. Another mission had begun.

And Sgt. Ted was walking ten feet tall and leading it.