IN DA HOUSE
All Stargate SG-1 characters are the property of MGM Ltd/ Double Secret Productions/ Gekko Film Corp. Team SG-999 characters are based on real people (you all know who you areÖ!)
This story is meant to be a homage to all things Stargate and does not supersede any copyright.
Big Brother is the property of Channel 4 and Endemoll
IN DA HOUSE
By John Gallacher
The producers of Endemol and Big Brother are gathering in the meeting room to discuss the daily business.
The Chief Executive of Endemol sat down at the head of the table whilst the various producers and aides sat along either side. Davina McColl, presenter of the main Big Brother show strolled in with Dermott, presenter of Big Brotherís Little Brother.
"Sorry, weíre late. I only just got the call a moment ago." breathed Davina as she slid into her seat.
The producers nodded and gazed towards the others in a silent gesture to begin.
"Iím afraid that weíll have abandon the Special Edition of Big Brother due to problems that weíve encountered thus far." began a producer named Sophie.
"Why?" asked the C.E. "I thought that this was supposed to be a winner of a show."
"Well," continued Sophie," we know the regular show works, and the celebrity version is a good ratings puller. But Iím afraid that the military version isnít working as well as we first thought."
"Didnít you go through the profiling yourself?" asked the C.E.
Another producer, Mark, held up his arm.
"I went through their file personally. I didnít see any problems."
Davina piped in. "So who are these guys anyway and why arenít they working?"
Mark opened a folder and read out the contents.
"We wanted to do an Armed Forces version of the show and so we sent out bulletins for applicants. Only one group replied. A team calledÖ SG nine, nine, nine. According to their C.O, Theyíre a tactical rescue team, oh so secret. But they wanted to come onto the show."
"Do we have any footage anyway?" asked the C.E.
Sophie nodded rather despondently.
"YesÖ but youíre not going to like what youíre going to see. " said Sophie as she took a remote control and pointed it at the TV screen. She pressed the "play" button as the C.E settled back in his chair in that "this ought to be interesting" sort of fashion and the other producers just sort of, well, cringed.
The lights went down and the tape began.
The Big Brother theme and opening credits ran as always. And then it cut to a shot of a part of the garden. The caption Day 10, 11.45 a.m appeared and a narrator began.
"Day 10. Itís 11.45 a.m. All the housemates are up and awake. Bruítac has been called to the Diary Room."
Bruítac had been in the Diary Room before and wasnít impressed that he couldnít actually see Big Brother. He became agitated when B.B actually changed voices on alternate days. He argued that since that two people were claiming to be the same person, then obviously one of them had to be lying and since he couldnít actually see what B.B looked like, then he would have to assume that both of them were lying until the real B.B came forward.
He was sitting in the oversized chair. In front of him was a transparent suitcase full of money. Bruítac gave it a sceptical glance.
"You are the first Big Brother."
A pause. "Yes."
"I see. Hello, First Big Brother."
"Bruítac, before you is a suitcase. It contains £10,000. And Big Brother wants you to have it."
"Why do you keep referring to yourself as the third person. I have noted that humans in this case would use the prefix "I"."
B.B didnít answer this one. Instead, he pressed on with the suitcase.
"You can take the money, itís all yours. Or you can refuse to take it. The choice is all yours.
"Thank you, I shall share it equally amongst the team." He was about to pick it up when B.B interrupted.
"Er... the money isnít for them; itís for you and you alone. You can keep it, but it isnít for them. Only for you.
Bruítacís grip of the case slackened and he stared straight into the camera lens.
"Why?" he growled.
When B.B spoke, it was clear that he was nervous. After that stare from Bruítac, who wouldnít be?
"The money is only for you. We only have one case of money."
Bruítacís eyes narrowed.
"You are trying to bribe me. For what purpose, I cannot be certain. All I know is that I will not betray my teammates. If I cannot share my prize with them, then I will not accept it. You have failed in your attempt to divide us. I will now inform Col. Procter of your subterfuge.
He stood up to leave. As he did so, B.B called out.
"Bruítac, donít do that."
But all he was rewarded with was a fist through the camera.
The production crew winced and the CE blinked in disbelief.
"Did he just smash a £10, 000 camera?" asked the CE, once he got the power of speech back.
"Yes, "said Sophie rather quietly, hoping that the words "smash" and "camera" wouldnít really register on anyone elseís minds.
The C.E looked sceptical. Sure, the programme was supposed to bring out outrageous drama. Closet queens and raging nymphomaniacs were just the tip of the iceberg that they were wanting to collide with, but thisÖ
The film continued.
The caption 13.30 appeared on screen and the narrator spoke up again..
"Itís 1.30 and most of the housemates are in the lounge."
Col. Nick Procter, Major Catherine Stevely, CWO John Gallacher, (rank) Craig Mennie and Bruítac were lounging on the sofas. Bruítac was still in a bad mood for B.Bís failed attempt at coercion, despite Capt. Xander McEwanís efforts to tell him that it was all part of the game.
Craig sighed an " Iím so fed up" sort of sigh. He got up and strolled around the lounge area. As he did so, the house cameras followed his movements. He stopped at one of the large mirrors and picked at a small spot that heíd just noticed on his nose.
The footage continued like so for a few minutes, cutting between the room cameras and the cameras behind the two-way mirror. So far, so good. UntilÖ
Craig suddenly leaned closer to the glass as if there was a part of his reflection that he hadnít noticed before. He held still for a long timeÖand then he shouldered the mirror, sending it into a myriad of jagged pieces. At the same time, he reached forward and grabbed the poor camera operator behind the glass, tucking his victimís head under his arm and rubbing his knuckles on top of said victimís head whilst yelling "You Big Brother? In that case, whoís the daddy, eh? Whoís the daddy?"
The smashing of glass hadnít caused the others to react much, just a mild casual glance. Catherine merely shook her head as if to say "Not again."
The CE spluttered
"Why in Godís name did he do that?"
Davina had already seen the footage and answered to save anyone else trying to get through awkward answers.
"It seems that he managed to see through the glass as the two-way film is a cheap brand. He saw a light behind the mirror and the camera operator and he was bored."
"Didnít anyone else tell him that he wasnít to break anything in the house?" asked the CE.
The long, awkward, drawn out silence obviously meant "no".
This was just getting better and better.
"We also lost one of the housemates for a while."
"Eh?" came the reply from one of the other producers.
"It seems that he somehow found a blind spot in the house. He stood underneath the camera and we couldnít see him."
"I thought that the cameras could tilt downwards." countered Dermott.
"Yeah, well it was the one camera that couldnít."
The picture on the screen changed to show (rank) Steve Martin standing underneath the camera, silently sniggering to himself like a naughty schoolboy.
"We only found him when we actually sent in a cameraman."
"How long was he missing?"
"Er.. Three days."
The CEís eyes opened like saucers.
"Mind you, we found two of them digging an escape tunnel, just in case things got nasty."
The photos of (rank) Jim Johnston and (rank) Paul Muir were slid across the table.
Then came the inevitable question: "How far was the tunnel?"
There was a small cough followed by "All the way to Heathrow Airport, next to the check in desks."
The CE at this point wasnít surprised. As far as he was concerned, if this lot pulled off rubber masks and turned out to be flesh eating reptiles from the 12th Dimension, it wouldnít shock him; not any more.
"We also did a "rehearsal" of the eviction night." said one of the lesser producer assistants. "And it didnít work!"
Davina merely buried her head in the desk. Not the eviction footage, not the eviction footage. One of the producers pressed the play button on the remote. The lead caption read "Eviction Night Rehearsal".
So far the screen had normal eviction mayhem; screaming crowds, waving placards showing their individual support for their favourite housemate.
"Itís now time to find out the next evictee." Said Davina to the camera.
She turned to the housemates who were gathered on the sofa. Their image appeared on the large PA screen on the outside of the house.
"Housemates, this is Davina. You are live on Channel 4. Please do not swear."
Almost immediately, Jim piped up.
"Oh f**k! Are we on now?"
"Will you cut out the f******g swearing you w****r, everyone will think that youíre a foul mouthed b*****d." It was hard to tell who it was that spoke as they were trying to whisper it (quite loudly!)
The CE slumped back into his chair.
"Thatís it! Iíve seen enough. This edition gets binned. Whereís that Proctor guy and his bunch? Iíve got to tell him the bad news."
"Theyíve already gone and we donít know where."
"Youíve got cameras on Ďem and you donít know where they are?"
The producer flushed. "Thatís right, they disappeared!"
The screen came back to life and showed the team in a huddle in the garden.
"Do you think Hermiod would like to come onto Big Brother?" asked John.
Catherine shook her head.
"Doubt it; they might have a thing about nudity in public."
At that point, an Asgard transport beam flashed and the team were gone as if they never existed.
Everyone blinked. The team was gone, as if they never existed.
"What theÖ?" was about the most the CE could muster.
Sophie coughed gently.
"An hour later, we got a call from their base saying that they no longer wanted to take part."
"How did they get to their base so quickly?" asked Davina.
All she got was a shrug from Sophie.
"Well, itís just as well we were only testing the format and not actually gone live with it." sighed the CE with a sense of resignation.
"OK, as it is, Military Big Brother is a no-go."
Everyone nodded. With that, the next item on the agenda was called. The CE picked up a piece of paper with a proposal on it and read it out.
"Brian, I think youíve got a winner here; Big Brother with Strippers."
"I think weíve got a winner here."